Why Mothering Yourself Feels So Hard When You Have Anxiety and Trauma

And how therapy and somatic healing can help you feel safe in your own care again

An exhausted mama trying to get a moment of rest in

You Know You Should Take Care of Yourself…So Why Is It So Hard?

Believe me, I get it. Taking care of yourself can at times feel like a full-time job. You are always focusing on other people. Your kids are constantly at your feet begging you for another snack. Your partner comes home from a long day of work and wants to just hang out with you (while you mind is spinning with all the things that still need to get done before dinner).

Time feels like there never is enough of it. At night, you often exhaustedly make your way to the couch and finally get a moment to yourself and you zone out through scrolling on social media. As you do so, you pass through those you follow preaching about Mother’s Day around the corner and ways that mom’s should or could take care of themselves. Shame comes in through your body as you start to feel into your day and how the only moment you actually have to yourselves is in absorbing social media. You feel bad. And then you feel angry.

“How the hell am I supposed to make time for myself?” you scream inside to yourself. You can barely catch your breath most days.

If this sounds familiar, I need you to know that you are not lazy and you are not broken. If this story is one that lands for you in your body, know that you are most likely living with the invisible impact of anxiety and trauma- and your body is still wired for survival.

Why is “mothering” (aka attuning to your own needs) so hard?? How can healing practices like therapy and somatic support help you to reconnect to the care you deserve? Read on, that’s what this below blog will all cover today.

So why is mothering yourself so difficult?

Reason #1: You were never mothered the way you needed

When self-care feels like a chore, or a foreign language that is just too hard to learn, it most often feels that way because in your body…it is. It was a language you were never taught. It was not available to you. For some reason there was a disconnection of attunement between you and your primary caregiver/s and so what may have then become more familiar is to have unmet needs.

Many women with anxiety and trauma as adults, grew up as daughters feelings emotionally unsafe, unseen, or unsupported. As daughters, you may have had to suppress your needs, stay small, or take care of others from a young age.

From this place, many then evolved to have young-like parts step in to take adult-like responsibilities. These are parts of us that are people-pleasers and always feed the need “to do the right thing”. Or these are parts that always HAVE to put other people first, it doesn’t even feel like a choice. These can also be the parts inside of us that have strong beliefs around “selfishness”. They are often the parts that are very responsible, bossy, and have to stay on top of the world (and as a result put ALOT of pressure on you).

If you didn’t receive attuned, consistent are- it makes sense that giving care to yourself now as an adult feels unfamiliar, or even unsafe. These parts of you knew the risk it was to let vulnerable parts of you that have needs as a child be rejected and may still believe that you today would not survive if those part came our. Attending to those parts through building a attuned relationship to them and discovering what they need for you is a crucial step to therapy in healing and moving forward with transforming your relationship to self-care.

Reason #2: You Learned to Prioritize Others Over Yourself

When our natural Self is at risk of not being cared for well, parts within our system will come up as the sacrifice of Self to help in whatever way they can. These parts can look like people-pleasing parts, perfection parts, chronic caretaking parts…all trauma response from being exposed to too much, too soon, and too fast.

Over time, your nervous system adapted by minimizing your needs.

So when you try to mother yourself now? It then of course would feel wrong, selfish, or uncomfortable. That’s not because you are doing it wrong. It’s because your body is still trying to protect you. This is why self-compassion practices are SO HARD to do. It’s learning something new, perhaps for the first time.

So my dear, you aren’t doing it wrong. It is hard for a reason.

Reason #3: Your Nervous System Doesn’t Trust Rest Yet

With a nervous system that is pre-programmed to be in flight/fight/freeze/fawn response, rest and self-soothing often do not feel safe. They can actually feel the opposite, like a threat.

They feel foreign.

You may freeze when it’s time to rest. Or you may feel panicked trying to slow down. I see this all the time in a yoga class, that they practice of intentional slow down can really create such fear and threat in one’s body.

Self care isn’t just a mindset shift. IT’s a nervous system recalibration.

The Embodiment Institute is a WONDERFUL resource to help support learning how to recalibrate your nervous system. Check out there information here.

Reason #4: Your Inner Critic is Louder that Your Inner Nurturer

You may have an internal voice that says:

“You’re too much.”

“You should be over this.”

“You’re not doing enough.”

That voice can drown out any attempt at softness. It is coming from a place of good intention, and yet it’s voice of harsh motivation is inadvertently causing other parts to soak up shame and guilt. Helping this part out to learn how to soften it’s approach (after it’s story has really been felt for what it needs for you) is so key to healing the pains and discomfort of learning self-compassion.

Kristin Neff defines self compassion as, “Derived from latin, the term refers to how we’re with (com) suffering (passion). Think about times when you’ve felt compassion for a close friend who was suffering. First, to experience compassion you have to actually notice that your friend is struggling or feeling badly about themself. Second, if what you feel is compassion (rather than pity), you realize that suffering, failure, and imperfection is part of the shared human experience. “There but for fortune go I.” Finally, you respond to your friend with warmth, understanding, and kindness – feeling the desire to help in some way. These are the three main elements of compassion: mindfulness, common humanity, and kindness.”

Reason #5: Safety Needs to Be Rebuilt from the Inside Out

If chaos, tension, or unpredictablility were normal in your past, then calm might feel threatening now.

Your body may associate stillness with danger- not peace. Therapy, somatic practices, and trauma-informed yoga help rebuild that lost sense of internal safety.

You’re Not Failing at Self-Care- You’re Still in Survival Mode

Self-mothering is more than bubble baths and mantras.

It’s the courageous practice of re-learning how to relate to your needs with kindness. And it is a PRACTICE, which means you have to keep showing up in the art of learning.

To grow in your capacity to be with feeling your feelings.

To rest.

And you don’t have to do that work alone.

Ready to Begin Re-Mothering Yourself with Support?

At Peace By Piece Therapy, we help women with anxiety and trauma reconnect to their bodies, soften inner criticism, an reclaim their right to rest and receive care. Whether through trauma-informed therapy or somatic yoga, you can start to feel safe in your own care again.

Book a free consult or learn more about our therapy and yoga services today.