Why Belonging Matters- Fitting In Isn’t the Same as Feeling Safe

In my office, I have a pile of rocks that sit on this corner table. The rocks come from travels to North Carolina, in the mountains that just seem to breathe care and comfort into my soul. In the Book of Alchemy (which is SO good btw, highly recommend), there is this creative prompt, “Pretend you are an object and write about life from its point of view”. I decided to play around with this prompt and thought, “If I was one of these rocks in my office, what would I hear or see.” As I was writing, 1 consistent theme showed up for me, as a rock. How much people in the office seemed to talk about a desire of belonging. To feel safe to just be, whoever and however they wanted to be. The feel permission that it’s okay to cry, it’s okay to scream, it’s okay to be mad, it’s okay to be scared….it’s okay. As a rock, I would so want to say and share, “You belong here and you don’t have to work so hard at changing who you are in order to fit in. “

What is it about our heart’s desire to so desperately hear and feel that we belong? When life feels overwhelming, our bodies naturally crave safety. Doesn’t that make sense that in moments where we feel threatened (that we don’t belong, aren’t good enough, need to be more worthy, etc) our hearts desire is to feel safe. To feel that reassurance and love that we are in fact more than okay….we belong.

When life happens that naturally causes stress, pain, or uncertainty, we look for ways to protect ourselves. And for many of us, that safety looks like fitting in—changing ourselves just enough to be accepted, even if it means silencing parts of who we are.

But here’s the thing: while fitting in might feel safe in the moment, it often leaves us feeling disconnected, anxious, and unseen. True grounding comes not from fitting in, but from belonging—standing rooted in who you are, even if it feels uncomfortable at first.

Fitting In vs. Belonging: What’s the Difference?

    •    Fitting In = reshaping yourself to match expectations, avoid conflict, or be accepted. It feels safer short-term because it reduces the risk of rejection.

    •    Belonging = being valued as you are, without having to edit, shrink, or perform.

Psychologically, fitting in is a nervous system strategy. It’s your brain saying: If I can blend in, I won’t be judged or left out. And while this may reduce immediate stress, over time it fuels disconnection, shame, and inner tension. Noticing when your sense yourself trying to fit in is a great observation because that’s when you can notice that parts of you are stepping up to try to protect you. It’s your nervous system saying, “Hey we don’t feel safe here!” and then they go into program automatic AI mode, without you even realize you asked for help. As you begin to build a stronger connection with your “fitting in parts”, you can then build more trust in your nervous system for these parts to feel a greater sense of belonging to you. When they are securely attached to feeling supported by you, they then no longer have to work so hard for you….because they trust that you’ve got it.

If this language doesn’t land with you, another way to look at it is that fitting in INCREASES fear and stress in your system. A way then to support yourself is to work on somatically decreasing fear in the body. This means finding more points of safety, feeling anchored inside, and finding that felt sense of “being grounded”.

And what is the difference of fitting in than belonging? Belonging, on the other hand, asks for courage. It requires being seen in your authenticity, which can feel scary, uncertain, and even painful—especially if you’ve experienced rejection in the past. So the question to ask yourself is can I really belong in this space (and show even my ugly parts) or is my body/brain protecting me because it is actually detecting this space will NOT truly accept me as I am. The unfortunately reality is that not all spaces are safe. That doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to belong, it’s just the reality of living in a broken world with imperfect humans. So increasing inner safety is knowing that you are worthy of belonging.

Stress, Safety, and the Body

When we’re stressed, the nervous system seeks the path of least resistance. That’s why fitting in can feel like a form of safety—it lowers external threats, even if it creates internal ones. There was as study done at the University of Virginia in 2014 and found that 67% of men and 25% of women would prefer to receive shocks than to have to sit in stillness. This shows the level that a person will go to in finding safety than to sit with discomfort. The study states that,

“The mind is designed to engage with the world,” he said. “Even when we are by ourselves, our focus usually is on the outside world. And without training in meditation or thought-control techniques, which still are difficult, most people would prefer to engage in external activities.”

But here’s the paradox:

    •    Fitting in often increases inner stress (self-criticism, suppression, chronic tension).

    •    Belonging, while scarier at first, actually supports long-term regulation—less pain, more connection, deeper grounding.

Think of it this way: fitting in is like holding your breath to avoid being noticed. Belonging is like exhaling fully and letting your body soften, even if the air feels raw at first. This takes time to practice and once your brain starts to recognize that it’s okay to let go, it can then begin to trust in the safety of that sensation.

Grounding Practices to Explore Belonging

Grounding isn’t about freezing in place—it’s about feeling rooted enough to show up as yourself. Here are some practices we explore in class:

    •    Hip Hop + Yoga Movement: Finding play in moving with the beat of music. Using your body to pair with words to feel the sense of power or expression of the words with your body

• Mountain Pose (Tadasana): Stand tall, feet pressing into the earth, reminding your body it belongs right here.

    •    Child’s Pose (Balasana): Fold forward and breathe deeply, returning to safety within yourself.

    •    Tree Pose (Vrksasana): Balance while wobbling—belonging doesn’t mean perfect stillness; it means staying rooted through movement.

• Somatic Yoga: Noticing the sensation of tension/holding and relaxing/opening

    •    Creative “Roots” Drawing: Trace your hands or feet on paper. Inside the outline, write words, images, or colors that represent what makes you YOU. These are your roots—your belonging.

Choosing Belonging Over Fitting In

Yes—belonging comes with discomfort. Your body may resist at first, pulling you back to the familiar “safety” of fitting in. But over time, choosing belonging rewires your nervous system: you learn that being yourself doesn’t end in danger, it ends in connection.

Stress and pain lessen when we no longer carry the weight of performance or perfection. Belonging is both grounding and liberating.

Grounding into belonging isn’t about never feeling fear—it’s about allowing your roots to hold you steady while you step into your authentic self. We work on DECREASING the FEAR so that you can feel a greater sense of being grounded in your being.

If you’ve been feeling anxious, stressed, or stuck in the loop of “fitting in,” know this: you deserve to belong exactly as you are.

👉 Join us in class to explore grounding practices that connect you back to your body, your truth, and your community.